Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?