I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.

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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.


moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse


If I could go back in time & change any event that would alter the course of history:

I probably wouldn’t have super sized that fry order.


A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.


writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better


Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair


What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head


Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.