Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.