I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
just bought $250 worth of there鈥檚 nothing to eat
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pok茅mon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幑-馃幑
馃幑馃幑, 馃幎EVERYBODY DANCE NOW馃幎
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that鈥檚 good, right?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
bro what is going on at twitter
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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