Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.