Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

When a shoelace touches your ankle