I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy