(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.
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People who say they “Like to have fun”…
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted