@JCWisdomNuggets

I carry two crickets around in a small box so when I say something that isn’t funny I can supply my own sound effects. They get real tired.

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@AimeeHelene1

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

@equinelover137

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

@tsm560

I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.

@bartandsoul

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

@OBiiieeee

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

@WilliamAder

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

@daddydoubts

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.