Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
You Might Also Like
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Finally
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit