I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
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Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.