I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.