Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.

She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”

I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

going to the ER y’all need anything

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer