I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.