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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed