well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
It’s lunch time
[laying on the hood of a car, gazing at the stars]
I bet zebras make piano sounds when you pet them.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition