Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.