i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
