Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?