i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.