why would tinder want me to say this
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
That’s amazing.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.