I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
getting old is fun
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Not all heroes wear capes….
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
