I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
no such thing as a dumb question
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
