Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice