Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed