Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.

And so so dumb.

a god among men

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station