Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

The human personality is made of five key elements

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.