I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
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People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.