I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
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If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here