I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
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There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.