I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The smoothest fall of all time
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠