I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
smartest karate player in the world
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.