I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
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*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.