I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.