I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m already scared
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
@ candidates for local office
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
🤣could you imagine
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”