I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you