I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
best review i’ve ever seen
she has a point
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged