I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.