I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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*watches the world burn*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram