I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?