I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?