I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
That’s it.I’m out.
