I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
adam and eve had first world problems
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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