I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Kids: Stay in school.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
And bowling should be called pinball
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.