I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
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“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen