I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.