Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

[family WhatsApp group]

me: I’ll visit this weekend

dad: OK

mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…

mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.