I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Made something I’m not proud of
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.