I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
this is uni
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Van Gone
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png