I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
You Might Also Like
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Nice try Hitler
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.