Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

You ever see someone driving and immediately understand why they’re missing a bumper?

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.