I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
🤣
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I love snow
– People who never shovel