I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
what my late-night hot pocket sees
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown