That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
men are simple creatures
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.