I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?