Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

[shakes fist at other fist]

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

A French press is when you hug naked

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”