I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.