“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.