“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain