“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
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Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
☠️ ☠️
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me recordaron éste meme
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.