I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.