I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway