I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Anarchy
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.