I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
You Might Also Like
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Merica.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
hi why am I like this
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK