Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

become ungovernable

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.