Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.