I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
liiiiiiiiike
