I changed my mind..๐๐พ๐ช๐
You Might Also Like
Oh yeah, shitโs about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pantsโฆ..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.โฃ
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didnโt even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, donโt just say โCall me back.โ Tell me what itโs in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
My dentist calls himself the โtooth guyโ because heโs fun and laid back and unlicensed
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, itโs a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Make your own โrestaurant styleโ salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Mom: why arenโt you and your โfriendโ close anymore?
Me:
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Once itโs in the oven I donโt really care why the chicken crossed the road.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong