Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.